The scene: The Spectrum Movie Theatre, Sunday night showing of “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”
The players: My wife, the obnoxious lady, the obnoxious lady’s brute of a husband, and myself
The background: For those of you not from the area, The Spectrum Movie Theatre is the swanky, artsy place in town. It’s where you go for real popcorn, arthouse flicks and (usually) well-behaved crowds. It is a beacon of light, an oasis, in a sea of otherwise horribly crowded chain theatres.
When going to the movies the choice is often—almost always—The Spectrum, or waiting for Red Box. Perhaps that is why the tale you are about to hear is so surprising.
The tale: My wife went into the theatre first and grabbed two seats on the aisle about half-way down. There was a couple in front of us (who were kind enough to sit in seats 3 and 4 so as to not obstruct our view) and a couple behind us (also in seats 3 and 4). There was a smattering of other folks seated throughout the theatre. I got in after my wife as I made a pit stop at the concession stand for some delightful popcorn and a soda to wash it down.
From the moment I sat down I knew we were trouble.
The woman behind us would not stop talking. Now, in her defense, this was during the previews so I held out hope she’d zip it once the movie began; silly me. The talking only got worse once the titles began to roll. I let it go for a bit, then I gave “the look”. You know what I mean right? That casual over-the-shoulder stare coupled with the half-smile and puppy dog eyes. The look that means: Could you please be quiet?
She stopped, phew (I thought) bullet dodged. Nope. She picked right back up again. I let it go for a bit longer and then I brought out the big gun. Clearly “the look” wasn’t going to work in this situation. No, no, no I need something more. I needed, “the stare”. The intense full-body turn paired with eyes of fire that can only mean one thing: SHUT UP!!!!!
Clearly my point was made because almost immediately she did just that, shut up. But then the hulking man looked at me and said, “What do you want?”
“Are you going to talk during the entire movie?”, I asked.
And then it happened. It was so unexpected, I never saw it coming. He looked at me, right in the eyes, and said: “Turn around you twit!”
“Turn around you twit?,” I thought to myself.
Who uses such language? I was enraged, infuriated. My heart was racing, my body tensed up, I wasn’t going to stand for this. All I wanted to do was yell at the man; or at least throw my soda in his face.
“Something must be done”, I thought.
And then it hit me. This man, this muscle-bound DB wasn’t worth it. He and his wife were in the wrong and they knew it. So I turned around, calmed myself down and watched the rest of the film, in silence.
It was glorious.